… because I’ve been having that much fun, that’s why.
Below, Saruman of the Many Colors, by Harold Jog. Known in some circles as “Saruman shows his Gay Pride.”
A Middle-earth Music Festival
I wonder if the promoters got permission from the Tolkien Estate for this?
Frodo’s Journey
I had a long discussion with my sister about how many miles, exactly, Frodo and Sam traveled from their home in The Shire to the pits of Mt. Doom. Oddly, this information wasn’t readily apparent online, for all the Tolkien websites and maps and graphics out there. After some digging, I came up with this.
For those in the U.S., his trip began in Horton, Kansas, near the Kikapoo Indian Reservation, ended up in Fernandina Beach, Florida. That’s quite a walk, and transposable to a regular mileage map I guess. But I knew there was something better out there.
This site, courtesy of The Lord of the Rings Project, has an interactive graph showing you the days and miles walked per book. Much better!
To answer the question, it’s 1,800 miles. Those Hobbit feet must have been pretty calloused.
Worldbuilding Wednesday 4/16/25: Villain Lairs of Middle-earth
Tolkien’s work is full of evil fortresses, towers, and strongholds. My favorite among them is Angmar. Isn’t that an evocative name! It just oozes evil.
Others are Thangorodrim, Minas Morgul, Durthang, and Barad-Dur. Unpleasant-sounding names, all of them.
In that vein, here’s some evil place names that would fit very well into Middle-earth, all randomgenned of course.
Evil Places of Middle-Earth
| Idgarbad
Elgnar Minas Angmel Anskodar Mitharagrim Durlvar Nan Dimeld Gast Carn Boen |
Barad Morkast
Morgaul Birinsgor Orchast Cirith Gronang Rurdamang Barad Dolmen Nurgn Tor |
Beren and Luthien, Egyptian Style
Luthien Before Morgoth, by Cuarthol
One of the First Age tales in The Silmarillion is how Luthien, an elf, falls in love with Beren, who is human, and aids him in his quest to recover the three Silmaril jewels from Morgoth. This part of The Sil has a more fairy tale flavor than the rest of the book, involving overt magic use, transformations, and a structured quest. In one part of it Luthien, on facing the dark lord, performs an enchanting dance routine that puts him and all his entourage asleep, enabling her and Beren to steal back the jewels.
The artist above interprets the scene in ancient Egyptian style. Morgoth wears the three Silmaril atop his crown of cobras, while Luthien has bat wings because she’s snuck into Thangorodrim in the guise of a vampire. Vampires were only mentioned in this story and in the stanzas of a few Elven poems. They were not in The Hobbit or LOTR, at least as far as I can remember. I guess the use of this supernatural creature fell by the wayside as the author’s style evolved.
And to tell you the truth, vampires don’t really “fit” into Middle-earth anyway, even as the creations of Morgoth which they are said to be. It’s their overt Christian tone. Even though Tolkien’s vampires are more like giant vampire bats who can change into humans, the name itself conjures images of Dracula and his anathema to crucifixes to most Western readers. (No Jesus in Middle-earth.) Not to mention bloodsucking, hypnosis, and sexual predation.
Another creature that doesn’t fit is the werewolf, though, again, Tolkien’s conception was different: these were evil spirits in the bodies of monstrous wolves. They differed from wargs, which were an evil race of actual wolves, the non-supernatural kind. Tolkien’s werewolves did not have an alternate human form, nor did they infect others with their bite or fall under the moon’s influence. Again he seems to have appropriated the name for dramatic effect, that of bolstering the bad guys’ evil.
Interestingly, fellow Inkling C. S. Lewis also threw in some werewolves when writing Prince Caspian, the second book of The Chronicles of Narnia. As in Tolkien’s tale it was a one-off. Werewolves were not mentioned in the later books and, to me at least, seemed out of place Narnia’s mythos. I think it’s likely the two writers indulged in some less high-minded pulp fiction together and took inspiration from that.
Real-life bats and wolves have received much-needed rehabilitation to their images in recent decades: wolves as intelligent, socially complex apex predators and bats as vital and versatile members of the ecosystem who work to keep destructive insect populations down. Not to mention being faster flyers even than birds and some species being insanely cute.
Worldbuilding Wednesday 4/9/25: Undiscovered Hobbit Types, Part 2
A cute but feral-looking Bilbo on the cover of a Czech edition of The Hobbit
Continuing on with this series.
Tolkien says in several places that Hobbits are more akin to Men than either Elves or Dwarves. If so, they share Men’s mortality in that they do not go to Valinor after death, but somewhere else (even though Frodo and Sam did.) However, their lifespans are longer than that of Men. How did this come about?
One could say that they are Tolkien’s favorite race and he couldn’t bear to give them any less. Remember his main heroic human character, Aragorn, also had an extended lifespan because he was descended from the Dúnedain. But I can also create my own reason.
When the race of Men awakened, they did so in waves or groups as there were so many of them, and the Valar watched over these waves. Seeing the first wave live and die in such a short time, Varda and Yavanna were moved to pity and asked Manwë if there was anything he could do.
Manwë had already broken Eru’s rule in allowing Aulë’s creation, the Dwarves, to live, and was loathe to bend them again. But the other Valar were insistent. Finally Yavanna came up with a plan: shorten the physical size of some of the Men, thus allowing them to live longer with what had been allotted to them by Eru. Varda pointed out that their smaller size would then leave them at a disadvantage, so she suggested a change to their natures: make them secretive and shy to protect themselves from other Men.
Manwë agreed and so changed one of the sleeping groups of Men into the world’s first Hobbits. Awakening amongst the Men, they dispersed in the same ways, but since their nature was to be self-protective, they never fell under the influence of Morgoth.
The Hobbits below are exclusively eastern types and have never been sighted west of the Misty Mountains. Some long-forgotten tribe of Men named them veks, which meant “little” in their ancient tongue, and that is reflected in their current names. All of these Eastern Hobbits have similar characteristics and appear to be related as the three types of Western Hobbit are related, and with them they share overarching traits: a love of food and pleasure, a laid back, rustic lifestyle, hairy feet and short stature. But there are differences.
Eastern Hobbits have hair all over their feet and ankles, not just on the tops. In certain types it extends up their calves and legs as well. Some even have hair on the backs of their hands and up their forearms.
The ears of this type are longer and more pointed, almost beastlike in some individuals. Not a few have hair growing from the tips as well. Their noses are small and rounded, often bulbous or buttonlike, and their eyes are larger. Their cheeks are fatter, rounder, and more prominent, in some cases giving their faces a triangular look.
The male Hobbits of this type have a tendency to bald early in life.
The Wizard Gandalf, who had met a few of these individuals, remarked that they are sterner than Western Hobbits and show less emotion, showing more “maturity” as he said.
Eastern Hobbits are as fond of pipeweed as the Western types. Some experts think pipeweed originated in the east. Both males and females smoke it, female pipes being smaller and daintier. One odd commonality amongst Eastern Hobbit types is that men must never smoke a woman’s pipe, and vice-versa.
The following three types of Eastern Hobbit are currently known. There may be others.
Undiscovered Eastern Hobbit Types
| Foveks | A degenerative type of Hobbit that lives in company with the giant spiders of Mirkwood. Their culture is tribal and they live by robbing and plundering others, riding on their spider “pets” who get a share in the booty. For this reason both orcs and goblins leave them alone. Fovek are tiny for Hobbits and very pale, with lank black hair. As with some other eastern types their feet, hands, forearms, and shins are hairy, though, again, the hair is lank and thin. A peculiarity of them is their black, clawlike fingernails and toenails. They retain the Hobbit characteristic of living in holes and their culture is matriarchal. Some say Gollum of LOTR fame was actually a Fovek Hobbit and not of Stoorish blood as The Great Historian** has claimed. |
| Oniveks | Oniveks are shy hobbits that live in woodlands, preferring meadows for their settlements. They often live near water and drive small punts about, fishing and hunting frogs, which to them are a delicacy. They live exclusively in holes. Small settlements of them exist near the Sea of Rhun and similar forested lands further east and north.
Oniveks dress in simple clothing akin to that of human peasants. They are heavily furred on their feet, hands, forearms, and legs, so they don’t need to wear much clothing. The tips of their ears are very tall and tipped with tufts of hair. They do not trade with other races, being sensitive to disturbances and intrusions from outside. Eastern lore says they can pack entire villages and leave in an hour or two. |
| Cruspveks | Cruspveks are the eastern equivalent of Shire hobbits. Their feet are heavily furred, such that they appear to be wearing boots from a distance. This hair is kept neatly trimmed and presentable. This type trades with Men as long as they are peaceful, even Wainriders and Balcoth. Their settlements are protected by large, fierce dogs said to have been interbred with wargs; legend says they ride these into battle when they must. Otherwise they are similar to Shire hobbits save they preserved their racial history.
A group of Cruspveks, along with some Stoors and a few Fallohides and Harfoots, founded the kingdom of Braben in the Iron Hills and became known as the Brabble. |
** J. R. R. Tolkien.
Smaug the not so great and often terrible.
Today comes one the crueler parts of Tolkien March/April — mocking Smaug! Of The Hobbit fame.
He’s been depicted many times over the years, and in my judgement most of the artwork has been appropriate for the story and, in many cases, superlative. But many renditions fall short in depicting the giant reptile’s majesty and malice. Like these.
How threatening can Smaug be when he’s carrying a teapot and bunch of flowers??!!
This illustration is from a Russian omnibus of children’s stories, of which The Hobbit was one.
More like “Pleasure in Vomiting” to me.
I’ve referenced this goofy wig-wearing Smaug elsewhere. That’s Bilbo in the foreground.
This one, from the cover of a Hebrew edition, is really weird. Bilbo stabs a dragon tail on the ground while another dragon flies overhead? With an elephant trunk and antlers coming out of its neck? None of that happened in the book.
Even weirder is the Czech Smaug, who looks like a centipede. Perhaps the artist is paying homage to this little creature by Dutch artist M. C. Escher?
This Smaug, which I think is on the cover of a French-Canadian edition, looks like a reject from Terry Gilliam’s animation studio for Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Bilbo is either lecturing the creature or has been walking along and talking to himself — perhaps gathering his courage to enter Smaug’s lair — and been caught unawares.
This Smaug is… ummm… screaming “hack artist” to me. He looks like he should be standing on a solid surface, not hovering in mid-air. Plus something strange is going on with his tongue and the plume of fire coming out of his mouth. It’s like the tongue itself is creating the flames. This cover is from Indonesia, so I’m it was a mistake in translation, or with the European concept of fire-breathing dragons. Note that Bard looks very Indonesian though!
Worldbuilding Wednesday 4/2/25: Undiscovered Hobbit Types, Part 1
A Hobbit in Mordor (close-up of a painting by Gary Cook)
Nowhere in The Hobbit was it said that hobbits had oversized feet — just hairy ones.
After all the different hobbits on the covers of Russian and Slavic translations, surely there must have been more types in Middle-earth than just the ones in The Shire? After all, it’s a big place with plenty of room.
In his other notes, Tolkien stated that Hobbits came into The Shire in the middle of the Third Age after leaving the Vales of Anduin on the east side of the Misty Mountains. The three different types — Harfoots, Stoors, Fallohides — came in three separate migrations and met on the western side, where they wandered a bit before settling in Bree and later founded The Shire. The Amazon series The Rings of Power shows a period even before that, when “Hairfoots” lived in the Rhunic waste as nomads and, for ancestral Stoors, in desert caves. Where might have they dispersed in the thousands of years since? What might they have evolved into?
Undiscovered Hobbit Types
| Brabbles | The Shire is not the only major settlement of Hobbits in Middle-earth. At the east end of the Iron Hills lies the domain of the Brabbles, who, like the Elves of long-forgotten Gondolin, live in a hidden city accessed through a narrow gorge. Within their city each family lives in its own stone smial carved into the rock in complexes nine or ten floors high. They once shared a close relationship with Dwarves who may have aided them in building their city; like them, Brabbles enjoy mining and metal crafting and their men often sport beards and mustaches.
Brabbles considered themselves very civilized and show characteristics of all three hobbit types. But they also have their own: their hair tends to be straight, and they grow short, stubby hair all over their feet and toes and up to their ankles. In demeanor they are reserved. They originate from a band of Hobbits who went north instead of crossing the Misty Mountains. |
| The Hessen | A group of Stoorish Hobbits who remained in Dunland instead of meeting up with their kin near Bree. Their settlements are set in the depths of the Dunland forest, well defended by a high wooden walls covered with poisonous briars. These Hobbits cultivate a variety of hallucinogenic plants with which they trade with Men, and over the centuries have become more warlike. Many of them have dark red hair and they are excellent archers. Purportedly they sent a small militia on ponies to aid in the defense of Gondor but were gently declined. |
| Sunfoots | Hobbits famed for having flowing, luxurious blonde hair on their feet no matter what the color the hair on their head is. Sunfoots are a subtype of Harfoot and famed for their weaving skills. They live far southeast of Erebor in several large villages, trading with the inhabitants of Dale and Dorwithien.
After the War of the Ring it was revealed that Gandalf the White had visited their land many times, looking out for them and protecting them. It is his opinion they had never moved west and lived a discrete existence in the hills before assuming an agricultural lifestyle. Sunfoots are very proud of the long hair on their feet. The girls and women plait it and wear it in braids winding around their ankles. |
| Umtallos | These hobbits live by the sea in long, tubular smials built into the sandy dunes, their entrances camouflaged with driftwood, seaweed, and other bracken. In build they are squat and very muscular, with sleek reddish brown skin and black hair worn in braids. They don’t seem to be related to the other three hobbit types and speak a language all their own, though they also knew Westron.
Umtallos depend on fishing and gathering shellfish from tidal pools. Unlike other types of Hobbits they have boating skills, utilizing outrigger-type canoes to move up and down the coast. However, once settled, they destroy the canoes and net fish from the shore. Not much is known of them by Men, but Cirdan has some familiarity with them. |
The Silmarillion [Review]
The Silmarillion
by J. R. R. Tolkien, edited by Christopher Tolkien
HarperCollins, 2001
(Originally published 1977)
Though a longtime fantasy and Tolkien fan I held off on reading The Silmarillion for many years. It seemed too dry, too complicated. But after I’d tackled the more recently published The Fall of Númenor I wanted more of the dusty pedantic history I’d been so fearful of, and it turns out, I needn’t have worried about it being boring. I loved The Silmarillion. In fact, when I finished it, I wanted more. That’s the mark of a good book.
Of course, The Silmarillion as it exists in published form was never released by Tolkien. It’s a book of compilations from his legendarium, the worldbuilding background of notes, legends, songs and poems, even bestiaries, he created over the years for Middle-earth. His grown son Christopher edited and compiled these into the current work, which was published in 1977 five years after his father’s death. As I’ve written before on this site, it was a Big Event in the fantasy world… comparable to someone today discovering a whole new trilogy Tolkien had kept sealed away in a bank vault for decades.
The book is split into several parts. The first part, the Ainulindalë, is about how Eru Ilúvatar, the One God, created the other gods, the Valar, and sang the world of Arda into existence. The next part, the Valaquenta, introduces these lesser gods and how one of them, Melkor, was a rotten tomato who corrupted what Eru and the other Valar made. Then comes the main attraction, the Quenta Silmarillion, which is about the Valar’s battles with Melkor and how Dwarves, Men, and Elves were created…and how one of those elves, Fëanor, forged the three Silmaril jewels that later led to so much strife and bloodshed.
The Russian Hobbit, Part 6
I thought I was finished with this series, but there’s just too much good material, and a few book covers I overlooked. So let’s proceed.
First of all, it occurred to me I never included pictures of non-Russian hobbits to serve as comparisons. So here’s the first ever, drawn by Tolkien.
And isn’t it amazing how Bilbo bears a resemblance to the artist himself! An in-joke, maybe?
That said, it’s nicely drafted, but the sizes of the furniture aren’t consistent, and the whole hole (pun not intended) seems too large for tiny Bilbo, especially given how he’s in the foreground. That entrance would easily be six times his height. How in Arda would he light the lamp that’s hanging overhead or change the hands on that cuckoo clock to the right?
However, I can’t mock the artist too much, because figure drawing was never his forte. If we remove Bilbo (whose hairy feet we can’t see) we have a nicely rendered, personally conceptualized picture of what a well-to-do hobbit hole would look like.
Frodo from the Peter Jackson movies. Like it or not he’s the most widely known hobbit depiction these days. His large bare feet are furred on the top, most heavily over the arch. No fur creeping up his ankles and shins or hairy hands.
For a fantasy fan who was born prior to 1990, however, the animated Bilbo to the left would have been the introduction to hobbithood. It’s from a 1977 TV special by Rankin-Bass.
With his rotund torso and woodland critter teeth, he’s not so far off from some Russian versions, is he? But his feet are different: large, clean, and luxuriously hairy on the tops, like an icelandic sheepskin rug or the shag carpets popular earlier in the decade.
Rankin Bass used the same character type for their later animated special of Return of the King. The Two Towers was skipped because Ralph Bakshi held the rights at the time, leading to an awkward lack of continuity. Luckily I had read the whole of the trilogy before it aired so I was not confused. Meanwhile, Bakshi’s Two Towers went unmade.
So let’s talk about Bakshi’s hobbits.
Bakshi’s animated hobbits in his version of The Lord of the Rings went off in a different, more realistic direction that greatly influenced Peter Jackson. Bakshi’s hobbits are childlike, with big skulls and small faces. They have thick legs and feet that are hairy, but not excessively so — they are not caricatures as the Rankin Bass hobbits seen to be. Well, except for Sam, whose gapped teeth and big nose make him look like a country bumpkin.
A hobbit luncheon, courtesy of Ralph Bakshi. From left to right: Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry.
Bakshi’s film was released in 1978 and though it disappointed many fans it was immensely hyped and helped float along publishers’ interest in releasing new editions of Tolkien’s work. If you were a fantasy fan then it was an exciting time.
Now let’s do a 180. Here’s the first Romanian version of The Hobbit.
My fault for not including in Part 5. (The title threw me off. Romanian language is Latin-based so at first I took it for Spanish.) There’s a lot to analyze here — a wig-wearing, decorative Smaug, for one thing. But it’s Bilbo with his pointy hat — that has a useless buckle — and thick black sideburns that draws the eye and makes the experienced hobbit fan mistake him for Gandalf.
But as far as children’s book artwork goes, I like a lot, especially Bilbo’s cautious, trepidacious look that suggests he’s a thief and is invisible to Smaug, even though the viewer can see him. Child me would want to read this book.
Russia made live-action TV versions of both The Hobbit and the complete LOTR trilogy. Both are available on YouTube to watch; they have been described as charming, atrocious, hilarious, and hallucinogenic. I’ll leave it to you decide.
The first ever broadcast, live-action Bilbo is portly and deadpan. He wears a knitted gray skullcap, a collared pink dress shirt, and knitted arm warmers. No hairy feet that I remember, but the quality of the videotape is not good.
The hobbit gang from the Russian Lord of the Rings. A somber bunch and certainly NOT childlike and carefree. Frodo stands at center holding a spittoon (?) with pipe-smoking Sam at his back wearing a peasant hat. Merry and Pippin to Frodo’s right and left, who look older than him and certainly not his peers. Eighties spiky-haired wigs on all of them. Frodo’s hair is red, which denotes the Russian ideal of the troublemaker, or the character that stands out the most. Their costuming is in line with Tolkien’s original drawing — that of the tweed-jacketed country gentleman.
Now I’ll look a quick look at Russian versions of Tolkien’s elves and dwarves.
Oh my god, this one is so bad it gives me secondhand embarassment for the fictional characters it depicts. The blonde pageboy haircuts on the elves! And their Robin Hood getups! That’s so wrong.
Not sure if the dwarf below was made by a Russian artist, but he certainly looks Russian or Slavic.
Truly a magnificent being.