“And yessss? Deconstructivism, postmodernism, neoexpressionism, what you say?”
Worldbuilding Wednesday 3/11/20: Vampire Novels
Here’s the book that started the erotic vampire story trend. Released in 1994, at the height of the Splatterpunk trend, Love in Vein mixed vampires and sex in a new, explicitly adult way. Featuring fantasy and horror heavyweights like Kathe Koja, Gene Wolfe, and Charles de Lint, with an opening essay by Poppy Z. Brite who acted as editor, the anthology was a groundbreaker, inspiring many of the dark horror anthologies being published in small press form today (of which I am a contributor to, I’ll add.)
I’ll also give a shout-out to cover artist Mel Odom, whose distinct illustrations graced many of Guy Gavriel Kelly’s novels. Part Tamara Lempicke, part soft-porn artist Olivia, part Phillip LeDroit, Odom’s dreamy, understated, sophisticated creatures tempted you with knowing eyes to see what lurked inside the pages. In art school I was very impressed by his technique, all pastel colors and hard outlines, which was very different from the DAW look of fantasy paperbacks of the time exemplified by Rowena and Cark Lundgren. For Love in Vein it was a perfect match of cover artist and material.
Looking for a title for a Vampire book or short story of your own? Here’s a list of generated ones. One is there only for fun. Can you find it?
Vampire Novels
| The Bloody Embrace The Sanguine Lunch Glamor of the Vampire A Nest of Vampires Tasty Prey Dracula’s Burden Black Screams Savage Blood That Damned Kiss Blood Embassy Fangs of the Bat Belly of the Vampire Talons of The Vampire Midnight Blood Time of Blood Undead: The Lost Kingdom The Deadly Ones The Endless Grave Butchered Love Undead and Victimized Hungry Hell Sign of Blood Children of Doom Delicious Lure |
Scarlet Flesh Black Dimension Shadowed Mother Undead and Gone to Lunch Delicious Bait The Shadow Predators Thanatotonic Climb A Sweet Place for Vampires A Smothering Cage If Vampires Be Silent A Betrayal of Vampires My Titty-Monster The Darkness Inside Tentacle of the Vampire Fresh Corpses Battle, Blood, and Cigarettes Magically Intoxicated Faire Grave A Well-Seasoned Vamp Organ Crates Unabridged Vampire Tales Dark Light, Undead Sun Tower of the Hallowed The Crucible of Evil |
Well Suited for a Fetish
What was this nightmarish latched rubber bodysuit used for? Whatever it was, it’s been junked and forgotten.
Worldbuilding Wednesday 3/4/20:The Best of Twittersnips (Magic Weapons)
Ehhh… it was okay.
One of the most enjoyable aspects of AD&D and similar games are all the magical weapons a player can use. At first level, you might be lucky, as a fighter character, to gain a +1 magic sword, axe, or dagger; as you progress, the weapons become more dangerous and exotic. At higher levels, you’re sporting Vorpal blades, Flametongue swords, and Holy Avengers. There are also cursed weapons that might make you cut off your own foot.
Culled from my twitter feed over the last three years, here are some favorites I created.
Magic Weapons
| Arrow of Unity: When this item is brandished up high, all who see it will join together in a common cause, no matter what their previous goal or alignment was. It can only be used once.
Axe of Heartfelt Defense: This axe has no special attack or defense properties, but when the user wields it, they will be totally emotionally invested. Bow of Adder Attack: Arrows shot with this weapon will turn into poisonous snakes when they reach their target. Dagger of Angelic Defense: May only be used by evil beings in defense, not attack. Angels have an AC class of 10 regarding this weapon. Dagger of Mangling: Not only kills an enemy, but mangles them beyond recognition. Knife of Splitting Blows: Lets the wielder split one knife attack against two targets. Mace of Berserk Slaying: Works as a +1 mace a few times, then makes the owner go berserk, killing everything in sight. Sword of Spanking: Gives a +5 to attacks with the flat on a foe’s bare buttocks. |
Sigue Sigue
This charming picture of Russian village life turns into a nightmare when you notice the burning figure in the background.
Worldbuilding Wednesday 2/26/20: Transformers Porn (NSFW)
The structure of Transformers names not only opens them up to parody, but also to a certain form of sexual parody. Let’s say somewhere fanfic, artwork and videos most certainly exist with these robots getting it on, or “Knockin’ pistons” as they might say, with all sorts of extraneous apparatus attached to their normally sexless bodies. If it hasn’t been an adult comedy sketch, it should be.
One of my personal fanfic favorites comes from the fanfic repository Archive of Our Own, which is known for liberal inclusion policies regarding sexual themes. The Domesticus series, authored by femme4jack, Saikiku, HopeofDawn, and TheFractured, offers a ton of them: rape, nonconsensual sex, hand jobs, oral sex, robot sex, threesomes, anal plugs, needles, forced orgasm, sexual slavery, torture, bodily fluids, size kink, violence, transformation, chemical warfare, voyeurism, blood, transforming butt plug (!), castration, fisting, and electrical torture.
It’s more of a hardcore porn and fetish technosex fanfic than a coherent novella, but a heady one. The Domesticus universe is loosely based on the Transformers cartoons and action movies and posits a dystopian future where a shattered Earth is ruled by Decepticons who enslave young human males to service their oily lusts. The robots being huge and the humans small, there’s a lot of ingenuity shown in getting the pistons going. I can’t tell if the authors are being 100% serious about what they write, or are laughing about pulling our collective legs. Either way it’s positively filthy, and also hilarious.
Before each chapter is a pseudo-serious excerpt from a human pet brochure written for the robot owner’s benefit:
 |
Homo sapiens domesticus: care and feedingLike any organics, Homo sapiens domesticus specimens require specialized fuel, atmosphere, and temperature ranges; however they are among the easiest organics to maintain on Cybertron. Fuel cubes are available at nominal cost. Unadulterated dihydrogen oxide must always be provided in liquid phase, but a proper enclosure is designed to purify and recycle approximately 97 percent of this water. Humans may be kept in groups of three or more; attempting to maintain a single human by itself is not recommended. |
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How can one not love a sense of humor like that?
Should the Transformers ever get around to producing their own adult movies, the actors in them would probably have names like these.
NSFW Transformers
| Hotpinch
Tyrannowench Ultrasnatch Dynotitty Doubledong Synthescrew Battlehooker Thunder-69 Bladewhore Gigahips Cybercock Giganads Interthrust Slutwarp Meatjet Front Loader |
Steady Shot
Thigh-Tech Crybondo Nipplescan Sky-Ho! Porniron Moonsprayer Electrobitch Suckshot Phallustine Buttplugger Assitude Pussypunt Hot Piston Panzersnatch Kinetic Tickler |
King Death
Classic.
Worldbuilding Wednesday 2/19/20: Female Transformers
The feminine but undeniably powerful Autobot Arcee, who could transform into a pink sports car.
For the first few years of its existence Transformers was strictly an all-male universe. By universe, I mean the line of toys, comics and cartoons in the US; there may have been some distaff members in the Japanese lines, which are traditionally more accepting of females in action roles. It was not until the mid-1980s that a female character, Nightbird, was featured in the cartoon. ** Appropriately for the gender roles of the time, she was a Decepticon. (Shades of Mata Hari?)
Shortly after this, a heroic female Autobot, Arcee, was introduced who could transform into a cool pink sports car. Unfortunately, she never became a main character in the cartoon or comic and didn’t even get her own action figure until years later. Think of the opportunity the toy manufacturers fumbled marketing a line of kick-ass, but feminine, robot dolls to girls.
It took decades for female Transformers to come to prominence. In recent years, Windblade, Chroma, and Codexa are receiving adventures of their own alongside the botboys.
In some alternate universe, female Transformers were there from the beginning and had their own toy line. Here’s some randomgenned names for them.
Female Transformers
| Ballista
Cosmeena Dreamblade Enertrix Galaxica Prim Galveartha Globella Mechasong Metalily Miss Altitude Motorflame Planetaria Plasmeena Raptura |
Motortrix
Novaspar Novasynth Paraflyer Scorpiana Spinnera Steelpink Synthtrine Thermobow Torqua Toxina Transparkle Vectostar Vitalina |
** In the French version of the first Transformers cartoon, several male characters, including Starscream, were changed to females for unknown reasons.
Silly Centaur
Because he’s talking out his ass, that’s why.
Worldbuilding Wednesday 2/12/20: Rejected Transformers
In addition to the toy lines and TV series, Transformers had a successful comic book run. Not surprising as Marvel helped create them.
As the picture above ** suggests, some Transformers just never made the grade. Since part of the fun of them are those oh-so-easily parodied names, here’s a list of those Autobots and Decepticons who never should have been born. I’ll call them Aborticons.
Aborticons
| Cosmiclutter
Dirtbag Lumplizard Dinofart Kittenstrike Hysteridemic Crunkbrawl Skysnort Menhonk Hypimple Moonbacon Polyfluff Thunderstool Mouthbreather Neurotoast |
Hydrogutter
Gunkhead Transpanic Hamscorch Nitrosplat Necropissant Acceleraver Lousebite Electrasnot Jetwaffle Unimuddle Blitzmew Battleglob Toastette Plasmapunk |
** They are robots. Why do they need pink, fleshy tongues?