Follow you heart, or use your mind? To balance both requires daring and delicacy.
Follow you heart, or use your mind? To balance both requires daring and delicacy.
by Barbara Allen
Kensington Books, New York 2016
[Challenge # 48: A mystery]
I never was much of a mystery reader. I did enjoy a good Nancy Drew back in the day, but post-grade school, I’ve been pretty meh on the genre. I’m not sure why. My mother was an avid fan, particularly enjoying Agatha Christie and the Brother Cadfael series. Another relative, the wife of my eldest cousin, a lady whom I respect immensely, has been trying to get me to read cozies for ages. Cozies, for those not in the know, are contemporary casual mysteries that are genial and personal in tone and often run in a series focusing on a particular business. Thus, there are coffee shop owners who solve mysteries, proprietors of bed and breakfasts, caterers, bakers, etc. Often these books include recipes or advice. I picked Antiques Swap, part of the Trash n’ Treasures series, for this challenge solely because of the cute little Shih Tzu dog featured on the covers, which promised fun.
The series, now running ten books, is about a mother-daughter team of antique shop owners in a small, historic town in Iowa, and it grows and expands with every release as they age, which is cool. The previous adventures are touched back on in each book, which is nice for a reader just picking up the series. Antiques Swap opens as the pair are waiting to receive word on a reality-show pilot they’ve just shot – if a network buys, they’ll hit the big time. But trouble happens when the wife of a local millionaire is brutally bludgeoned to death after the daughter of the team visits her to buy some old beer signs for her shop. The obvious suspect is cleared, but then there’s another murder, and it turns out the millionaire kept tight with some cronies who had a wife-swapping bridge club going on. (Each chapter is named after a Bridge move, which is fun.) Local personalities, including the police, are introduced and/or touched on, and again the daughter becomes involved despite her misgivings. It’s all told in first person and that adds to the readability, the eccentric, ex-actress mother even getting a chapter or two. It was all rather madcap.
It was a quick, entertaining read, but it was a little too casual I guess; the intellectual content was minimal. By that I mean there wasn’t enough for my mind to chew on, whether it was in the writing, the plot, the background, the era, or the general zeitgeist of it really. I didn’t force me to think. This isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy it, because I did; it’s just when I read a book, I want to take away from it more than I put into it, if you know what I mean.
Still not a mystery fan, but I’m warming up to the idea.
Thor looks disgruntled here (or maybe pleased? It’s hard to tell) but many other superheroes would be happy to take a break from their regular rounds of protecting the innocent. Maybe even some of these randomly generated ones.
(Jules Feiffer’s The Great Comic Book Heroes remains the best introduction I’ve read to the history of the genre.)
Moongypsy
Vector Mage Moxie Shadow Scarlet Dragon Colonel Delta Red Quasar Miss Gravity Xenotrix Emerald Star Spiral Zero Cosmonovia Wonderhawk |
Ms. Whip
Black Viper Mr. Apocalypse Crimson Chrome Green Pulsar Mazestorm Millenium Mark Blue Scorpion Dynawizard Dark Liege Pyrolad Lady Galactic |
Technoboy
Pulsar Man Blue Devil Powerteen Hydrogirl Captain Shadow Crimson Mystic Rocketlad Lady Fox Moxie Magician Velocity Ace Mr. Mammoth |
I know it’s only a cheap comic, but isn’t it creepy?
The mimic, a Dungeons and Dragons monster that disguises itself as a treasure chest.
Sometimes a dungeon master, or an author or game writer, wants to toy with their characters. Not in a life-ending way, but just to vex them a little. The following items do just that.
Spoon of Canine Mucous: Any food this item touches turns into dog drool.
Iol-Del’s Unlucky Siphon: This flexible tube appears to be designed for siphoning water or other liquid out of a container, but when suction power is applied with the user’s mouth, any liquid inside is transformed into raw sewage.
Karelga’s Mocking Ink: Whatever the user writes with this will come out sarcastic in tone.
Footbath of the Toad: Appears to be a normal footbath, but when used it creates warts on the bather’s feet.
Taulan’s Obnoxious Knapsack: Whatever is put into it falls out at random moments.
Thong of Psittacine Doom: Looks like a pair of silk thong panties, but when worn, it feels like a parrot’s beak is biting deeply into your butt.
The Many-Eyed Panther Marbles of Bornbutter: Each glass marble looks like a cat’s eye which paralyzes any who look upon it with fear.
Axe of Ponderous Defense: This cursed magic weapon causes the wielder to fight half as slowly as they normally would.
Scroll of Ready Pregnancy: When the spell on this scroll is read by the owner, they will become pregnant the next time they have sex, even if they are not female.
Gnomish Teeth Balm: Looks like a tin of tooth-cleaning paste, but when used, it turns the victim’s teeth as yellow and crooked as those of a gnome.
Glyph of Cat Multiplication: When this magic glyph is written above the door of a household containing a cat, the abode will start to attract more cats, double the number each day, until the felines take over and the owner has to move out.
Tincture of Partial Snoring: Looks like a magical remedy to cure snoring, but works only every other minute the patient is asleep.
Myradria’s Fetid Sandals: These shoes appear to have a beneficial magic, but when worn they make the wearer’s feet smell very strongly of foot odor. They are not removable by normal means. Wearers suffer a -5 to Charisma checks.
Darlan’s Napkin of Barbarous Mastication: This magical napkin, when used to wipe the owner’s mouth, will cause them to chew very loudly and impolitely whatever food they are eating. The owner, however, believes they are eating normally.
Brazier of Centipede Chaos: When a fire is lit in this brazier, hundreds of centipedes come crawling out instead of flames.
Pun, trifle,Lovecraftian horror, or fine art? You decide.
by Roger Crowley
Random House Trade Paperbacks, New York 2013
[Challenge # 3: A book taking place mostly or all on the water]
I was a little concerned that City of Fortune, which was a history of the city of Venice between the 11th and 16th centuries, would not fully meet the criteria for this category. It was, after all, a civil history. But to my delight, it did.
The book’s focus was on the Stato di Mar, the “State of the Sea” that the Venetians used to control their empire, which was one of trade. Like many Italian cities of the Medieval period, Venice was a city-state, but its extended holdings were not on land but on sea… in ports, harbors and islands, and the trading communities of far-flung cities like Brussels, Alexandria, and Constantinople. Their knowledge of the sea and shipbuilding skills made this possible, and their often dangerous commerce with the Muslim and Greek Orthodox worlds enriched the city’s culture and design. For a while it was the richest city in Italy.
The Stato di Mar lasted only until the beginning of the 16th century, with the rise of the Ottoman Empire and the Portuguese discovery of trade routes to India which allowed them to hijack the spice trade. The author writes covers his material well and at times I thought I was reading a thrilling adventure novel. It was all fascinating stuff, and the maps included were a big help… except Negroponte, an important Venetian holding, was not labeled. I made it through five-sixths of the book without knowing where it was because the text did not tell me, and it was annoying. (It’s off the east coast of upper Greece.)
I still rate the book five stars, and I’ll keep it for reference, because the political analysis of that time will come in very useful when plotting my own stories.
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Next were borne round dishes of carp, pilchards, and lobsters, and there after store enew of meats: a fat kid roasted whole and garnished peas on a spacious silver charger, kid pasties, plates of meat’s tongues and sweetbreads, sucking rabbits in jellies, hedgehogs baked in their skins, hogs’ haslets, carbonadoes, chitterlings, and dormouse pies.
— E.R. Eddison, The Worm Ouroboros |
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Reading E.R. Eddison’s The Worm Ouroboros, with its archaic descriptions of food, got me thinking about how sumptuous meals, feasts, and festivals contribute to a well-made fantasy world. If your society is based on a European Medieval one, as is common (and no harm in that) it would be very, very different from what people in power eat now. True, the Medieval feast was also about impressing guests with the host’s power and prestige, but there were differences. Rare, esoteric (and often none too tasty) foods were singled out for distinction. Heady spices were used liberally — ginger, pepper, cloves, cumin, cinnamon — this was a time when cities literally rose and fell on the spice trade. The spices were used not just in baking but in almost every dish, including meat, fish, and vegetables, not to disguise rot as is often thought, but to demonstrate wealth.
For presentation, dishes were ornamented with non-food items, colored with dye, or fashioned into looking like something else than what they were — such as bread-ball eggs in a vegetable nest, each bread containing a roast squab. Medieval folk loved puns. Often dishes were named for popular, religious, or mythic characters, relating to them in some way. All in all it was a culinary thrill ride for the lucky guest.
The feasts did not break out into salad, main, and dessert courses like we have today. Instead, each course contained a varied amount of dishes and were often grouped around a theme.
Using the power of random generation, I’ve created a feast menu here to give inspiration. There are some non-European ingredients in this hypothetical world.
Lamb pate served with dates and crackers
Salty Pike marinated in a white wine dressing
Sweet duck egg pancakes with cherry sauce
Fresh salad of cold, sweet greens, spinach, and minced pumpkin
Roasted dormice stuffed with crumbled bacon and raisins
Whole grain bread and creamy cheese, served with fig preserves
Duck pottage sprinkled with bacon
Lamb and carrot soup
Herb-crusted partridge served over sliced, boiled pigeon eggs
Baked loaf made of deboned squab, served in a trencher* of boiled buckwheat
A whole pheasant rubbed with paprika, roasted in a fire pit, presented in its feathers
Whole bull’s penis poached in ale
Lamb in aspic
Ribs rubbed with molasses, baked in buttermilk
Whole eel poached in cream
Roast turkey stuffed with scallops, diced artichokes, and oysters
Lobster flavored with red wine and turmeric, simmered with parsnips
Minced partridge spooned over poached duck eggs
Pickled salmon served with roasted barley
Whole eggplant stuffed with preserved wild buffalo
Fiddleheads and barley, toasted and served in cream
Honey-glazed sheep’s lungs
Roasted pomegranate husks filled with minced trout
Fresh toasted peas cooked in a sweet simmering sauce
Summer squash stuffed with almonds and other chopped nuts
Hominy simmered in duck stock
Solteties were large, elaborate dishes made from sugar, marizpan or dough, crafted to appear as something else — ships in full sail, mythological characters, animals, architecture, etc. They were often presented in a course of their own. The nursery rhyme “four and twenty blackbirds, baked in a pie” refers to one sort, the birds escaping as the crust was opened. Another kind were combinations of two or more types of roast meat. Solteties were often served at royal banquets.
Woodsman’s Sins: a huge pie filled with live squirrels.
Dwarve’s Surprise: a confection of dough baked in the shape of a dragon filled with crumbled bacon-stuffed ducklings, smoked mutton, calves’ brains, and pickled zucchini.
Virgin’s Belly: A whole goose roasted inside a whole lamb.
Poached Pear with yogurt
Raspberries with a creamy honey-fennel dressing
Apple sorbet to cleanse the palate
Scaddyberry: a scarlet, filling liquor made from fermented tomato
Smackgreen orange: a local beer
Blackberry nectar: a sweet ale from the south
* Trenchers were slaves of hard bread that were sometimes used in place of plates, depending on the era and locale. After the meal, they were eaten or given to the poor, in Christian fashion.
The hippogriff emblem of Demonland, based on the line drawings in early editions of the book
In The Worm Ouroboros E.R. Eddison dazzles the reader with innumerable exotic and fantastically named people, places, and things. Unfortunately, they don’t all adhere to a consistent linguistic base, and no less a luminary like J.R.R. Tolkien criticized the author for this. Some character names sound Latin, such as Laxus, Corinius, Corund, and Corsus. Others sound Gaelic, like Brandoch Daha, or German, like Goldry Bluszco, which to me sounds like an equities trading firm. The place names of Demonland seem cribbed from Scotland, and other names such as Fax Fay Faz, Mivrarch, Zäje Zaculo, and Zimiamvia itself are just all-around WTF (admittedly, Eddision created many as a child.) The sky-piercing mountains of Zimiamvia, meanwhile, have names reminiscent of Tibetan and Nepali, like Koshtra Pivrarcha and Koshtra Belorn, Romshir, and Ashnilan. There were enough of these that I was able to come up with a decent random word generator for them, the results shown below. I’ll call the language Zimiamvian.
Tsu Eshrac
Mornaset Shimuna Bhad Synshë Zoracha Nangachurch Pizshir Id Hylla Zaë Viz Mornaian Koshtan Uth Arksurn Ailtrig Tsachanë Ishaneth Shalg Emshra Orsh Pylgrai Barchlak Psar Shalgsurn |
Belsu
Koshtark Zorashimur Usu Traëm Zorahevshra Tsa Tsumulo Shimarcha Zimnam Uthra Syk Zimek Besh Maltgyn Temornam Azkar Tsar Emarcha Shaëny Zarphai Gremsë Ravnan |
Tsu Thanmarsh
Zimarach Norphë Ravenlak Ur Lakarm Barcherash Bhanamshir Zim Karulo Teshurnum Tsark Archa Nulla Mora Mysoch Gor Bhavicha Tsarsharma Burdamoch Tshev Bysë Ushai Tremlak |
The Geisha robot came too close to the Uncanny Valley for most patrons to be comfortable with.